At Last I See the Light

Well, clearly I ROCKED at keeping this thing updated. Not.

The last time I updated was the night before the 59 students of WDWSP12 even arrived in Orlando. Not only have they arrived, but they are now in charge. I have been home for about a week from what was undoubtedly the most insane summer of my life. As always, the transition was incredibly hard coming back. On top of the usual post-project depression, a girl from my sorority, Becca, died from injuries sustained in a hit-and-run accident only two days after project ended. Please keep her family and friends in your prayers. Although it is incredibly difficult, I am rejoicing that she is with Jesus now. In stark, ironic contrast to the mourning I experienced this week, I also attended a wedding of a very dear friend this weekend. Let's just say my emotions have been...unstable.

It has taken me multiple attempts to even write this post. I have had to come to terms with the fact that no matter how long I sit here and ponder, I will never be able to adequately summarize the last two months of my life and give the Lord the glory He deserves. But the longer I take to write this, the less raw it will be. And you, my friends and family, deserve the truth. The truth that this summer humbled me, broke me, terrified me, blessed me, and built me up in ways that my words will never be able to give justice. God moved mountains in my life in 2010 and 2011, but this year He just outdid Himself. And here goes my attempt to invite you into that. Ye be warned, this will probably be long. And it won't be complete.

Although I failed at updating this blog, one thing I did keep updated was my prayer journal. I have tried multiple times in the last five years of my life to keep a journal as part of my daily time with the Lord, but I always felt like a middle school girl writing Dear Diary entries about the mundane activities of the day. I would slack off after a few weeks or even a few days of consistency. This summer, however, a good friend suggested journaling my prayers, and I did just that. I filled up three quarters of a leather journal with my prayers, praises, triumphs and failures on a daily basis starting two days before project going all the way up through today. It has been mind-blowing to look back now and see how God has moved in the course of six short weeks. Prayers I don't even remember praying were answered in big, albeit unexpected ways. I will share with you parts of some of those entries as I attempt to weave for you a tale of God's redemption and power in the midst of my stubborn effort to maintain control of life.

5-22-12
"...I trust that it is Your will for me to go back. My heart is open to what you have to teach me even though I feel like there isn't much I have to learn there"
Well, if that just wasn't me BEGGING for God to take the snowglobe of my life, turn it upside down and give it a few good shakes, I don't know what is. As excited as I was to be back on project, I mistakenly went in to this summer thinking that it would be the easiest yet. With two crazy years under my belt, I feigned humility (probably not very well) as I confidently assured myself that I had it all together this year for the first time. Ha. Ha. Ha.

The last entry for this blog that I managed to write was the night before the students arrived, begging for your prayers as the remnants of a tropical storm threatened to completely destroy my perfectly laid out plans of how to get dozens and dozens of students from the airport to the resort. I was one of two people responsible for getting everyone safely to their new home. God used this occasion to remind me for the first, but certainly not last time, that He is in control, not me. My beautifully laid plans were immediately tossed in the trash the moment I woke up that next day and had half a dozen texts from stressed out students about delayed and cancelled flights. In what became one of the most stressful days of my life, tropical storm Beryl delayed or cancelled nearly every flight and car in and out of Orlando that day. But by the grace of God, the hard work of my staff team (special shout out to my co-coordinator in the effort, Bryan), and probably an entire pot of coffee, everyone made it. Barely anyone made it at the time or by the means originally planned, but by golly they got there!

That was event numero uno in a landslide summer. One verse that has played a monstrous role in my faith is Matthew 7: 24-27

"Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.  And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.  And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”


Let's face it. I am a control freak. You probably know that. And I also tend to come off as a know-it-all. I like to have the answer. I like to help people and fix their problems. I adore ministry. Nothing brings me greater joy than seeing God work in a person's life. This summer challenged me again and again to consider exactly what the foundation of my house was. Areas of my life that I was sure were founded in the rock began to ebb away as the waves of life relentlessly crashed upon me. For so long in school I was known as the "smart one" or the nerd, so a lot of my identity, where I find my own worth, is wrapped up in my ability to determine and deliver the correct answer. So many times this summer I was forced to face the fact that I was completely clueless. For the first time in my life, there were several situations where I depended upon the Holy Spirit for everything. Don't get me wrong, the Spirit has moved through me (or in spite of me) many many times before. I do my best to yield to Him in every situation. But I remember one night in specific, sitting on the curb in the parking lot of our condo complex.

6/7/12
"..Thank you for showing up tonight Lord. You always do, but thank you for filling me with the right words when I had no clue. Thank you for speaking through me when I was powerless to do so... I acknowledge that You are in control, not me."

I remember praying desperately for something, anything to say. I had been rendered utterly speechless while walking through something difficult with a student. I remember praying "Lord, I got nothing. You NEED to show up now." And He did. A speaker we had at the beginning of the summer said "Sometimes the Holy Spirit speaks best when we shut our own mouths," and this was a clear example of one of those times. In what was probably the first time I consciously admitted that I had absolutely no idea what to say, I found myself reciting scripture I didn't know that I knew. I declared God's truth regarding things that I struggle to believe myself, and I BELIEVED what I was saying 100%. This began a cycle of relying more and more on God, His Word, and His people instead of my own thoughts and knowledge.

A huge part of this shift came as a result of the team that I was a part of this year. I know I will never find the right words to describe what I experienced this summer. One of the women I worked alongside said that the only word she could think of to describe it is "Holy." For six weeks I was able to live in a world I have only caught glimpses of up until this point. What I experienced was a mixture of the Church described in Acts 2, the Body described in 1 Corinthians 12, the unity in Ephesians 4, and the corporate, heavenly worship described in parts of Revelation. Specifically, our intern team (all ELEVEN of us!) bonded in a way I will never forget. We had a ton of fun, laughed a lot, planned bible studies together, shared stories of our lives together, dreamed (and schemed) together, cooked and ate together, and even got to play in the parks together.

But what I will never forget were the ways we supported each other in our mess, prayed through tears as we walked through hard things, failed each other and grew even closer as we humbly asked for grace, broke down barriers, went to bat for each other, and protected one another at personal risk. We fought with each other sometimes, but we fought for each other all the time. God worked through eleven completely broken people and managed to weave a tapestry of His love, redemption, and grace. We relied upon each other, but more importantly, we forced each other to rely completely on God first and foremost. Hours upon hours were spent praying with and for one another. Sleep was lost and the details of life were tossed aside in the light of more important matters. We had our closets opened, our skeletons exposed, and our dirty laundry thrust into the open. We all had chances to run. And instead we pushed deeper into the mess and forced each other to see what the Lord has done, is doing, and will do. We spoke truth into each others lives when the lies were playing too loud. We found peace and power in God's word while huddled under a blanket at 3AM when life was too scary to deal with it alone. His work is not complete, and it won't be until we reach Heaven, but specifically because of each of the ten interns I worked with this summer, I am several steps closer to healing. I have had so many glimpses of this on past summer projects, but never have I experienced it in this magnitude.

So there is a taste of the last two months. I am going to write several more entries about more specific stories and happenings- discipling four amazing women, leading women's time, bible study, and things God has revealed to me regarding my future. But for now, I think this is enough.

I get it now. I have "gotten it" in pieces before. But in a breathtakingly holy summer, the Lord has shown me what true biblical community is supposed to look like. I see it now.

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm, and real, and bright

And the world has somehow shifted

All at once, everything looks different

Now that I see you

-I See the Light (from Disney's Tangled)

"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.  From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work."

Ephesians 4:15-16

Kelly

Prep Work

Well hello from Orlando!!!

On the 23rd Ashton and I traveled the last 180 miles of our journey back to the same set of tacky colored condos I have called home the past two summers.

We have spent this week preparing for the FIFTY NINE students to arrive, and that happens tomorrow!! We have been growing and bonding as a staff team, learning about each other and preparing to lead well.

One way I already see the Lord working is through our intern team in particular- there are ELEVEN of us!!! It has been really fun thus far and I cannot wait to see how God grows us as a team of young leaders.

As the students begin to arrive in mere hours, please join me in praying for them. First of all, please pray that the aftermath of Tropical Storm Beryl does not destroy the travel plans of everyone. I am helping coordinate rides from the airport, which is quite stressful when the weather forecast looks this bleak. Pray that flights arrive on time and that weather does not delay any of the driving students. Pray for safety too!!!

I will give a more thorough update soon, but we really need prayers for good weather tomorrow. Not only for the flights, but because we are supposed to have a barbeque for all of the students tomorrow night!

I love you all and I am so thankful for each and every one of you!
Kelly

When Life Hands You Lemons

Well, the insanity of life has once again ruined my plans of being a good blogger.
Here is a summary of the last four weeks-

~I did not die running in Nashville. It was touch and go for a moment, but I lived and successfully completed my first half marathon!!

~I finished up my first year of grad school! I can't believe how fast it went. We celebrated by having a picnic in the park for Anita's birthday.

~I had my last day of nannying Jackson. We went to see the Avengers, which was fabulous. I even splurged on the 3D version since it was a special occasion. I am gonna miss this kid so much!

~I said adios to St. Louis for the next three months! It was a little bittersweet- I was not expecting to fall in love with this city. But after only a few hours of driving, I picked up the wonderful Ashton Skates in Paducah! She was a student on WDWSP11 and basically my twin- she worked in the Emporium like I did and then held the same student leadership position I did (Associate Project Director). She is coming back to intern with me! So we spent the last 16 hours of my 20 hour drive together. She was a great sport because I made it my mission to see as many friends on the way home as possible! We crashed one night in Atlanta with the Grassos, who I haven't seen since they were still Ms. Gorsuch and Mr. Grasso :) We pit-stopped in Gainesville for dinner with a few friends from church before making it home around ten on Sunday night. We spent today at the beach. Man, I miss the water.

And, drumroll please......

I have passed my support raising goal for this summer! God was so faithful in these last few weeks and I have been so humbled by the generosity of you guys. I have been so blessed by every single person who has been there through this journey, whether through financial means, prayer, or being incredible cheerleaders. It is so encouraging to have people root for me despite all my flaws.

These past few weeks have been hard in a lot of ways because I helplessly watched as life seemed to spin out of control for a lot of people I love. It seemed like every time I picked up the phone or turned on the computer, the news on the other end was not good. It wasn't isolated either; life was handing lemons to CHUCKING lemons at friends from one end of the US to the other. Also for those same few weeks I was trying to juggle too many things- school, three part time jobs, church, family, friends, support raising.... and I was not doing any of it well. Adding on the heartache of watching my friends and family go through hard things when I could do nothing to help left me distraught. I was frustrated and exhausted and not relying on God. My own life was spinning out of control because I was desperately seeking to control it. It is so ironic that God works in a way where we need to surrender our control in order to attain the peace and comfort that we are seeking in the first place.

Most of you reading this know I did not grow up in church or even really believing in God. Life was fine. I am really lucky. I have lived an incredibly awesome life with wonderful family and friends. But by the time I got to college, I realized that I was letting things like insecurity, anxiety, and the need to perform absolutely rule my life. The last few years have been a daily adventure learning how to let go. Most of you reading this also know that I am a total nerd. When I have a bad day and need to de-stress, I usually go to the book store. Something about being surrounded by all that wisdom makes my heart happy. I read a lot. I go through at least a few books a month when life isn't spinning out of control. And a few weeks ago, I started reading a really great book called Grace for the Good Girl. It is written by a woman named Emily Freeman who has an incredible heart for women and an even more incredible heart for the Lord. I feel like she has a secret window that sees directly into my soul, because this book is one of those that seems to speak to me in every line. The subtitle is "Letting go of the try-hard life." It is all about experiencing the grace of God instead of trying to earn it. I highly suggest it to everyone who has ever ever put on a mask and pretended that life was perfect. After a while, you forget how to take the mask off, and eventually you forget what you looked like in the first place.

Anyways, the last six weeks have been a daily battle not to let the anxiety that consumed me in middle and high school creep back in to the "ruler" position in my life. Some days I wake up and feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. God has been faithful in giving me the strength to daily choose to keep that demon of my past at bay. It isn't a pretty battle. And I lose at it often. But grace is always more abundant than my failures. My relationship with God often becomes rocky when life gets busy. During finals week, I don't get to go for two hour runs where I spend a good portion of the time crying out to God, praying, and seeking wisdom from Him. I don't get to sit down with my bible and a journal and a cozy blanket and search for the truth that sustains me when life hands me lemons. Worship music on the radio becomes background noise on my way to work as I think about the 2984573094 other things I need to do in the next day.

Two years ago, right after I learned I was going on project the first time, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. The lemon of all lemons in my life thus far. I wrote about it in this post back in May 2010. And trust me, looking back now, I was actually putting on a huge mask even through the veil of "honesty" I was trying to show. I was a hot mess, pissed at the world, shell shocked, and not even sure if I believed in God. Well, thankfully, He showed up. In spite of my mess and failure. His hand guided me through the worst days of my life. Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him." I am still trying to figure out exactly how every lemon in my life will work for my good, but I am choosing daily to trust that it will. Life sucks sometimes. But lemonade is sweet. Even if it takes decades to make. This is what I read today from Grace for the Good Girl:

"There is a time for cozy blankets and journals. There is also a time for gut-wrenching, on-your-knees soul searching; for joy unspeakable and peace unwavering and mourning with the ugly cry. Life is fluid, it ebbs and flows in cycles of busy and rest, crisis and joy. The truth is, I struggled with this shift. I fought it and cried about it and wondered if I could really call myself a Christian since it was so hard to spend any time with God. What I didn't realize until later was just how vital this shift would be in order for me to understand God as he is and not as I think he should be. We have a Creator who knows about the swing. He set it into motion. He is not afraid of our life stages. They don't hinder him. He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. He offers us a new place to hide."


Please continue to pray for me, the staff team, the students, and those we will encounter in the next few months. We leave tomorrow afternoon for Orlando! Pray for safe travel, smooth transitions, and open hearts.


Love you all!

Questions, questions, questions

Goodness gracious, if my life has had a theme lately, it would most definitely be questions.

Example one- I teach children's church for kindergarten-2nd grade every other Saturday at The Journey. Last Saturday we were learning from Ezra about the Jews rebuilding the temple. We didn't even finish our story for the day because we got delayed by so many interruptions. I encourage my kids to ask questions related to what we are reading- almost my entire class is made up of 6 year old boys, all of whom are curious about everything under the sun. I try my best to keep us on topic, but some weeks, like this one, it was a valiant but hopeless effort.

Here is a sample-
Ms Kelly what shape was the temple?
Ms Kelly what color was the temple?
Ms Kelly was Jesus a real person? (perfect example of a good time to let it go off topic...)
Ms Kelly I need to throw up (thank goodness for classroom assistants) (he was fine)
Ms Kelly why does the bible have so many big words?
Ms Kelly what kind of clothes does God wear?
Ms Kelly my shoe is untied
Ms Kelly you just said the temple lives in us now. Do I have bricks in my belly?
Ms Kelly is that why Nelson had to throw up? Are there bricks in his belly??


Ay yi yi. I love them to death

On Friday, I taught a 30 minute social studies lesson to a class of 3rd graders. We were talking about all the landmarks in America and whether they were natural features or man-made. One of my students could not understand how a bridge could be made by people because it was over water and people can't just swim out there and build a bridge. This launched me onto a 5 minute tangent on how bridges are built before I looked up and saw how lost my kids were. I realized my ship was sinking fast and thankfully reeled everyone back in before all my lesson completely went down the toilet.


As crazy busy as I have been writing term papers, doing projects, working my butt off, training for a half marathon, trying to start studying for finals, AND trying to raise support on top of it all, I haven't been sleeping well. The second my head hits the pillow every night, my body desperately tries to sleep but my brain starts going a million miles a minute with my own question reel-

Am I going to die in Nashville this weekend while trying to run 13.1 miles?
Am I going to pass my finals?
Am I going to finish my term paper?
What am I going to do my independent study on? What am I going to spend the next YEAR of my life researching?
Am I really gonna cut it as a teacher? Do I have what it takes?
Am I doing the right thing going on project this summer even though the smart thing would be to work and save money?
Am I going to be a good student staff member this summer?
What are the girls I disciple going to be like? Will I be able to help them grow?
Am I going to raise enough support for this summer?


All of this really boils down to one question. The root of all of these questions, no matter how diverse, is the same.

Do I trust God? Do I trust that He is who He says He is and that He will do what He promises to do?

As I wrestle with this question day in and day out in every form possible, I find comfort only in the truth of God's word. One verse in particular has been on replay in my head. I have been continually turning up the volume on my "Truth Player" as the lies inside my head get louder and louder. When I am stressed, exhausted, and overworked, my "Lies Player" hits me full blast telling me I am not good enough and I never will be. So I pray for the strength every day to wake up and choose to listen to the Truth instead.

That I WILL never be good enough, but I am not in this alone. I serve a God who is, was, and always will be more than enough for me. A God who will fight for me and be my source of strength. As the semester draws to a close, please join me in praying for the strength to drown out the noise of life and draw my strength from the fount of living water.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” 
Deuteronomy 31:6

To everyone who has given thus far, I am SO thankful for you. To everyone still interested in giving, please call me. I would love to chat and share stories about how God has changed my life these past two summers. To everyone else, please keep me in your prayers. I love you all.

Kelly

Eastering

Hello friends!

I think the last three weeks of crazy weather, crazy schoolwork, crazy traveling, crazy visits, and crazy amounts of extra babysitting shifts have caught up with me- it is sinus infection city in my apartment. I woke up yesterday convinced that my face was going to explode, so I took a sick day and went to the doctor this morning.

A different kind of sickness has been creeping in lately too- it has been over three months since I have seen my family, and it will be 6 more weeks before that happens. That is beginning to take it's toll as well. I got to see my sister last weekend, which was super fun, and I have seen a lot of friends as well. But I still miss home, especially around Easter. Luckily, the lovely Alicia Corona drove over from Louisville this weekend since neither one of us got to celebrate with our own families. We had a blast dyeing eggs, eating jelly beans, and being downright lazy as we powered through multiple movies camped out on my couch. We got to just chat about what life is like so far away from home and how weird it is to be "big girls."

As I face the marathon of the next few weeks, I am supremely thankful for the dozens of people I have here that I can call family. They love and encourage me, life me up, pray for me, make me laugh, and constantly point me to Christ.

Support raising is going really well, I am at 40%!!! I am really eager for this summer to begin. Brief overview again for newcomers- in 2010 I was a student on the Walt Disney World Summer Project. Me and 32 other college students worked full time in entry level positions in Magic Kingdom for the purpose of sharing the Gospel with our co-workers, especially international students who come to work at Disney for the International college program. We had a staff team of 14 people who led the daily project ministry events- bible studies, women's time, ministry teams (prayer team, world vision team, community team), etc. I was discipled by an incredible woman named Liz who helped me learn more about myself and grow confident in my identity in Christ. I was so impacted by the leadership team that last year I went back as student staff. I got to mentor women as they experienced the same thing I did the year before. I got to train leaders, give messages, and plan events. It was an incredible experience! And this is what I get to do again this summer. I won't be working at Disney again- my full time job will be leading the project- kinda like being a camp counselor instead of a camper! I need to raise over $1600 for living and travel expenses for this summer. If you would like to partner with me, please email me your address so I can send you a support letter! My email address is KLW91288@gmail.com. Or send me a text or give me a call with your address- 561-704-0509.

For those of you who have already partnered with me, you are awesome. I am SOO thankful for you. I am praying for the Holy Spirit to work through me this summer, and I cannot wait to share what God does.

I am getting SO excited. Please be praying for my support raising, the hearts of the students, the hearts of the rest of the staff team (including the NINE other student staff interns!! We make up more than half the team!!), and that I can finish the semester strong and be content where I am! I don't want to wish away a single day the Lord has given me.

Let me know how I can be praying for you!
Much love,
Kelly

Here We Go Again (Again)

Well, this is unexpected.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that this blog would get any more action. But, alas, I stand on the brink of a THIRD summer spent sharing God's love in the Most Magical Place on Earth.

When I last left off in August, I was about to embark on my new adventure: grad school 1200 miles from everyone and everything I knew. Leaving behind the sunny beaches of Florida for the plains of Missouri. Saying adios to UF and hey howdy hey to Washington University St. Louis and the Master's of Science in Deaf Education program. Seven months later, I have settled in to my new life quite nicely. Life is just as busy as it has always been, except in different ways. I am not nearly as involved on campus, mostly because "campus" consists of one building here. I take all my classes at the Central Institute for the Deaf, where I also work as a recreational aide (I do lunch and recess duty plus I pick up aftercare shifts a few times a month). I am super involved in a wonderful church called The Journey that is all about loving God and loving people. I work as a nanny for a nine year old boy who is seriously the funniest, smartest kid I have ever met in my life. I regularly have a "Stuff Jackson Says" feature on my facebook, because it is all just too good to not share. I am still teaching children's church, a real passion of mine, and I help coordinate childcare for classes at the church. My life is filled with a lot of joy, and I have almost daily confirmation that I am doing EXACTLY what God created me to do. I LOVE my classes and I actually enjoy studying because it seems so relevant and applicable to my life and my mission. My senior year at UF I volunteered in an elementary school that had a hearing-impaired inclusion class. I worked closely with a speech pathologist who had a sign on her door saying "Just because I can't hear doesn't mean I don't have anything to say." I started a blog when I moved to St. Louis, and here is an entry that basically sums up my passion: Alive.

I miss a lot about Florida. The people and places who shaped me into the person I am today. I also miss working with college women. I have loved serving in that capacity, and the Lord has given me a strong passion for investing into the lives of women in college because God changed my life so much in those four years through wonderful women who were willing to pour into my life. For some crazy reason, my grad program doesn't have summer classes. But this gives me the opportunity to fully serve God for one last summer without being tied to a career. It is a huge blessing, and after a lot of prayer, confusion, talking to people, more prayer, some tears, some disappointment, a crazy situation that found me a subleaser, and some more prayer, I am going back. One more summer spent serving God by leading a group of college students on the craziest adventure of their lives. I have tried my hardest to stay in touch with the four girls I discipled last summer, and I am so thrilled to still be a part of their lives and blessed to see what God is doing in and through them. I am SO incredibly excited for this summer. There will be a HUGE group of us interns, both students from last year, students from MY project in 2010, and students who will be along for the ride for the first time!! We are gonna be quite a team.

Anyways, I sent out my first round of support letters a week ago! If you would like one and haven't gotten one yet, email me with your address and I will send you one!! If you would like to support me again (I have to raise over $1600 for living and travel expenses for this summer- it is a little more expensive now that I need to actually GET to Florida... I have always been there already!) here is the info.

Send a check made out to "cru" to
Kelly Wood
4949 West Pine Blvd #11R
St. Louis, MO 63108

I am having issues with my online account, so until that gets straightened out, mail would be the best option.

I love each and every one of you and I am so thankful I get to share this journey with you for a THIRD time. Please keep me in your prayers as I try and finish out this semester strong. Let me know how I can be praying for you too!!

Kelly

Home

Oh goodness. Today, my dear students began their journeys back home. The Walt Disney World Summer Project 2011 has officially come to a close.

Today has been one of those days. One of those days I wish I could have turned off my heart so I didn't have to feel. Didn't have to have sympathy pains for the heartbreak my dear friends are feeling as they leave the most incredible ten weeks of their lives. Didn't have to feel old scars being opened as I pined for my brothers and sisters from last summer. Didn't have to feel the dread of leaving behind everything and everyone I know in a week.

I felt the Lord leading me today to write a message to the girls I discipled and give them advice on how to cope with going home. I know it sounds silly. It's hard to explain. Yes, there is real pain going on in the world right now. Famine. Corruption. Even on our own soil, unemployment and homelessness and such. But to those 38 students, it is hard to look past the fact that their world has been turned upside down for ten weeks straight and all they could do was hold on to they only thing they had- each other.

I stole this from the blog of one of the students I was really close to- Ashton. She worked in the Emporium (just like me) and was the Associate Project Director when the staff left (just like me). She is a beautiful writer and sums it up better than I could-

I could say that leaving will be bittersweet, that I’ve loved my time here but I’m ready to go home, but that would be a lie. I honestly don’t feel like I could ever be ready to leave. I have come to know and love the people here in an environment that is so cultivating to deep friendship. I have had so many experiences that I can try and explain but at the end of the day, people back home will never understand. I’m blessed beyond measure to be going back to a community that loves the Lord and will be able to relate to me on many levels, but no one except the 38 other people God brought together this summer will ever truly “get it.”

These people understand when I use words like “bumpout,” “termed,” or “utili-doors.” They will understand my relationship with Stephen completely, no matter what happens. They identify with stories of insane guest behavior and not blink an eye when I point with two fingers instead of one.

But more than that, they understand what this summer has meant to me. They have walked alongside me as God revealed to us our weaknesses, struggles, fears and strengths. We have been fed up with each other, in love with each other, in awe of each other, and unworthy of each other. We have felt true exhaustion together. We have felt true joy together. We have learned (slowly, and still a lesson in progress) to rely on God’s strength and not our own. We have found our voices, broken down our walls, and fought for each other on daily battlefields.

Going on summer project is like eating hamburgers your whole life and then spending ten weeks eating steak. Some moments are hard to chew, but there are so many nights of eating the most tender filet mignon. Imagine then going back to burgers every night. You don't go hungry, but for the first time, you know something better is out there. So you search and you search until you find something else that satisfies.

This is one of my favorite photos from last summer. Our last night of project, walking to the beach at the Polynesian resort to watch the fireworks one last time... Sarah P, Jess, Alexis, Patreeya, and me

I have to admit, there may have been this miniscule part of me that selfishly returned to WDWSP because I was still searching for my filet. I wish I could sit here and tell you that every reason I had for going back was selfless. But it wasn't. I missed the fun, the thrill, the excitement of living by faith every day. But there is no reason why I couldn't have created those moments for myself every day. I told my girls tonight that they need to live every day like they are still on WDWSP11, not every day wishing they were still there. Thats what I did for a lot of this last year. And like I talked about a few posts ago, it wasn't the same. I still was tasting some gourmet meals that were way better than hamburgers, but they were different.

I am reading an incredible book right now called Prodigal God, and I just read a section about our search for home. You see, last summer was the first time I truly felt... known. The people closest to me heard my deepest, darkest secrets. In what was probably the deepest and truest expression of grace I have ever seen, they did not run away. On the contrary, they extended a hand to me and invited me to walk alongside of them despite my failures, my fears, my imperfections. I felt at home, maybe for the first time in my life. I truly believe that in those moments last summer and this summer as well, I caught a glimpse of heaven. Not the cheesy, riding on a cloud with gold wings heaven. The sense of perfect community kind. But it was temporary, as is everything in this life. And for months, instead of finding my home somewhere else, I mourned the loss of home. So I went searching, expecting to be provided of it instead of seeking to create it amongst those who hadn't caught that glimpse that I did. I feel like I somehow robbed my loved ones of this opportunity to experience what I felt, and I have spent a lot of today trying to come to terms with that. Thank goodness for grace and the intercession of God for my failures.

Please don't misunderstand me. This year was incredible. I NEVER would have survived it without the experiences I had last summer. Especially by the end of the year I was finding brief instances of that community again. But I wasted a lot of time grieving the home I had lost, searching for it wherever I could. The first time I went to Orlando this past year, I sobbed my eyes out, longing for the companionship of any single one of the people I shared my life with last year. I didn't care if it was Alexis, the sister I shared my bed and my deepest fears with, or Josh, who I shared maybe one conversation with. I craved it. I went looking for it back at work. I worked a 8 or 9 Emporium shifts over the last year and only left missing Tim and Jamie and Erica more than ever.

In Prodigal God, Tim Keller quotes one of C.S. Lewis' most famous sermons (yes, C.S. Lewis did not just write the Narnia books, he was one of the most prominent Christian theologians of the last century)-
"Our lifelong nostalgia, our longing to be reunited with something in the universe from which we feel cut off, to be on the inside of some door which we have always seen from the outside, is no mere neurotic fancy, but the truest index of our real situation"

Tim Keller responds by saying

"We are all exiles, always longing for home. We are always traveling, never arriving. The houses and families we actually inhabit are only inns along the way, but they aren't home. Home continues to evade us"

Home is a pretty big deal for me. I suppose this is because the things that a home represents- security, stability, community... those are the things I want the most. The things that combat my deepest fears, those vividly human fears of  being alone and unprotected. Over the last four years, home has been in many places. Even now, I really do consider Gainesville my home. This house I sit in? The one I have lived in since I was 12 that is two miles away from the one I was born in? This is where my parents live. But its a home. So is the house I lived in the last three years in Gainesville. (I wouldn't call Beaty Towers a home... that will never be more than a roach infested dorm that I happened to sleep in (most of the time) for a year). Mike Ditka resort? That is home too. And shortly, hopefully, St. Louis will be home too.

I am not a big fan of corny cliche catch phrases. But there is one that has been in my mind. It usually refers to a breakup, but it applies here. "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"  SOOO CHEEEESYYY. But it works.

Here's to the biggest easier-said-than-done moment of my summer- I will live every day like a child of God who has experienced WDWSP. I will make myself a home in the place my feet land, wherever that may be. If I can't find a community, I will make one. I am incapable on my own strength, but luckily I have the God of the Universe on my side. And I trust him. Fully


I will leave you with the last lyric of my current favorite song.

Lifted out of the ashes, I find hope in the aftermath.

Kelly