Well, the insanity of life has once again ruined my plans of being a good blogger.
Here is a summary of the last four weeks-
~I did not die running in Nashville. It was touch and go for a moment, but I lived and successfully completed my first half marathon!!
~I finished up my first year of grad school! I can't believe how fast it went. We celebrated by having a picnic in the park for Anita's birthday.
~I had my last day of nannying Jackson. We went to see the Avengers, which was fabulous. I even splurged on the 3D version since it was a special occasion. I am gonna miss this kid so much!
~I said adios to St. Louis for the next three months! It was a little bittersweet- I was not expecting to fall in love with this city. But after only a few hours of driving, I picked up the wonderful Ashton Skates in Paducah! She was a student on WDWSP11 and basically my twin- she worked in the Emporium like I did and then held the same student leadership position I did (Associate Project Director). She is coming back to intern with me! So we spent the last 16 hours of my 20 hour drive together. She was a great sport because I made it my mission to see as many friends on the way home as possible! We crashed one night in Atlanta with the Grassos, who I haven't seen since they were still Ms. Gorsuch and Mr. Grasso :) We pit-stopped in Gainesville for dinner with a few friends from church before making it home around ten on Sunday night. We spent today at the beach. Man, I miss the water.
And, drumroll please......
I have passed my support raising goal for this summer! God was so faithful in these last few weeks and I have been so humbled by the generosity of you guys. I have been so blessed by every single person who has been there through this journey, whether through financial means, prayer, or being incredible cheerleaders. It is so encouraging to have people root for me despite all my flaws.
These past few weeks have been hard in a lot of ways because I helplessly watched as life seemed to spin out of control for a lot of people I love. It seemed like every time I picked up the phone or turned on the computer, the news on the other end was not good. It wasn't isolated either; life was
handing lemons to CHUCKING lemons at friends from one end of the US to the other. Also for those same few weeks I was trying to juggle too many things- school, three part time jobs, church, family, friends, support raising.... and I was not doing any of it well. Adding on the heartache of watching my friends and family go through hard things when I could do nothing to help left me distraught. I was frustrated and exhausted and not relying on God. My own life was spinning out of control because I was desperately seeking to control it. It is so ironic that God works in a way where we need to surrender our control in order to attain the peace and comfort that we are seeking in the first place.
Most of you reading this know I did not grow up in church or even really believing in God. Life was fine. I am really lucky. I have lived an incredibly awesome life with wonderful family and friends. But by the time I got to college, I realized that I was letting things like insecurity, anxiety, and the need to perform absolutely rule my life. The last few years have been a daily adventure learning how to let go. Most of you reading this also know that I am a total nerd. When I have a bad day and need to de-stress, I usually go to the book store. Something about being surrounded by all that wisdom makes my heart happy. I read a lot. I go through at least a few books a month when life isn't spinning out of control. And a few weeks ago, I started reading a really great book called Grace for the Good Girl. It is written by a woman named Emily Freeman who has an incredible heart for women and an even more incredible heart for the Lord. I feel like she has a secret window that sees directly into my soul, because this book is one of those that seems to speak to me in every line. The subtitle is "Letting go of the try-hard life." It is all about
experiencing the grace of God instead of trying to
earn it. I highly suggest it to everyone who has ever ever put on a mask and pretended that life was perfect. After a while, you forget how to take the mask off, and eventually you forget what you looked like in the first place.
Anyways, the last six weeks have been a daily battle not to let the anxiety that consumed me in middle and high school creep back in to the "ruler" position in my life. Some days I wake up and feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. God has been faithful in giving me the strength to daily choose to keep that demon of my past at bay. It isn't a pretty battle. And I lose at it often. But grace is always more abundant than my failures. My relationship with God often becomes rocky when life gets busy. During finals week, I don't get to go for two hour runs where I spend a good portion of the time crying out to God, praying, and seeking wisdom from Him. I don't get to sit down with my bible and a journal and a cozy blanket and search for the truth that sustains me when life hands me lemons. Worship music on the radio becomes background noise on my way to work as I think about the 2984573094 other things I need to do in the next day.
Two years ago, right after I learned I was going on project the first time, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. The lemon of all lemons in my life thus far. I wrote about it in
this post back in May 2010. And trust me, looking back now, I was actually putting on a huge mask even through the veil of "honesty" I was trying to show. I was a hot mess, pissed at the world, shell shocked, and not even sure if I believed in God. Well, thankfully, He showed up. In spite of my mess and failure. His hand guided me through the worst days of my life. Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him." I am still trying to figure out exactly how every lemon in my life will work for my good, but I am choosing daily to trust that it will. Life sucks sometimes. But lemonade is sweet. Even if it takes decades to make. This is what I read today from Grace for the Good Girl:
"There is a time for cozy blankets and journals. There is also a time for gut-wrenching, on-your-knees soul searching; for joy unspeakable and peace unwavering and mourning with the ugly cry. Life is fluid, it ebbs and flows in cycles of busy and rest, crisis and joy. The truth is, I struggled with this shift. I fought it and cried about it and wondered if I could really call myself a Christian since it was so hard to spend any time with God. What I didn't realize until later was just how vital this shift would be in order for me to understand God as he is and not as I think he should be. We have a Creator who knows about the swing. He set it into motion. He is not afraid of our life stages. They don't hinder him. He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. He offers us a new place to hide."
Please continue to pray for me, the staff team, the students, and those we will encounter in the next few months. We leave tomorrow afternoon for Orlando! Pray for safe travel, smooth transitions, and open hearts.
Love you all!
