washed by the water

One of many tales from this summer. It will be long, but hopefully worth it.

Growing up in Florida, rain is a part of life. If you aren't from Florida, you may be asking yourself "but I thought Florida was the sunshine state!" LIES. Well, it is sunny sometimes. But from April till October, it rains almost every single day. So Florida kids deal. I was really lucky to grow up in a neighborhood with a ton of other kids, so during summer we ran around outside from morning till night. Our adventures were not dampened by the rain. Baseball turned to mudball, our treehouses had tarps over the roof, and we never left the pool or abandoned our fishing rods unless there was lightning. Hurricanes were a part of life. Sometimes they were actually terrifying, but usually it just meant two weeks off of school and a whole lot of use for rainboots.

This is the story of how four people, three songs, two feet of water and one crazy night have permanently affected my view of God.

I would be lying if I said summer project was easy this year. Don't get me wrong, it was hard last year and the year before. But it wasn't...heavy. That's a good word to describe this year. Heavy. My heart was already heavy when the summer started, burdened by pain that many of my loved ones were experiencing at the time. Then, week into project, a family in my church that I know well lost their baby daughter to a year long struggle with a degenerative brain disease. The unfairness of life devastated me as I grieved alongside my church family from 1000 miles away. As I began to get to know the lives of the people I was spending my summer with, my heart was wrenched in two over the brokenness of this life. I felt like I couldn't get away from the pain. Nothing in my life was particularly painful in this season, but I was overwhelmed by just how jacked up this world can be. As I struggled to speak truth into the lives of my teammates, my discipleship group, and a few other women in particular, I could not help feeling like it was hard for me to believe the truth myself. I began to doubt God's goodness as I looked into the faces of young women whose lives have been torn apart by abuse, loss, and injustice.

As I look back now on the prayers I journaled in that time, I see a theme. Over and over again I cried out for help, telling God that I desperately wanted to trust him. My shaky faith gained some footing as I began to look at things in a new light. As a staff team, we were learning how to reformat our thinking and see the history of this planet as one giant story of God redeeming His people. As I began to look for threads of redemption amidst the pain, I saw the Lord working in and through me. There was no major breakthrough, but the brick in my heart seemed a little lighter.

Then, on June 23rd, a girl from my sorority was riding her bike home when she was hit by a car. The driver fled the scene. Rebecca Harris rushed Theta Alpha after I graduated, but I met her in March when I went back to speak at retreat. My first encounter with her? I went for a sunrise run on the beach at 6:30 to gather my thoughts and pray before my first speaking session. I was shocked to see a tall, gangly girl with a mane of curly hair and a Theta Alpha T-shirt climb into the elevator with me, toting a longboard. We chatted about surfing and such as we walked down to the beach together. Four miles and 45 minutes later, I dragged my sweaty, sandy, salty self (you know you like that alliteration) back up the beach and was shocked to see Becca talking to the cops. I asked her what was wrong and she said her phone had been stolen while she was surfing. To my surprise, she didn't seem too put out by it. She shrugged her shoulders, said "it's just a phone" and kept talking to the cops. Apparently, this was very Becca. A skater, surfer, go with the flow girl who was sweet, loving, and curious. At the end of the retreat, she came up to me with tears in her eyes and thanked me for helping her experience freedom in ways she had never known. Humbled, I remember thanking the Lord for meeting her.

Three months later, to the day, this girl was laying in a hospital bed in Gainesville with several broken bones and major brain trauma. Any grasp I had on trusting the Lord was ripped from my hands. I withdrew from my team when I could, crying myself to sleep. I put on a strong face when I had somewhere to be. That weekend was really really hard. I felt like I was living in a fog and that the fog was strangling me. People kept asking me if I was okay, and determined to be strong, I lied. They knew. But the heaviness wasn't unique to me in that moment. Many people on our staff team were feeling it too. As the weight of huge decisions, terrifying secrets, and desperate pain bared down on us, we could do nothing more than hold each other up. I got a facebook message from Theta Alpha the afternoon of the 25th that said we needed to be praying, because Becca had taken a turn for the worse and was unresponsive. I remember being so numb and so bitter I could barely muster the strength to pray. I wanted to know why. I wanted comfort, I wanted answers. I wanted to trust God but I couldn't. I was angry and rapidly trading in my anger for apathy, which is bad news.

We had staff dinner that night, one of my favorite segments of the week, but I felt the need to escape the moment I got there. I couldn't bring myself to feign happiness any longer. At the same time, Tropical Storm Debby was absolutely drenching central Florida (different than Beryl, the storm during the first week of project). I remember thinking how fitting the weather was for my mood. The timing was perfect, however, because one of the other interns, Ethan, had flown out for a wedding that weekend and needed to be picked up from the airport. I left dinner early to get him, thankful for the escape route. On the way home, Ashton called me to let me know what the plans were for the rest of the night. Cru is considering using a new film as a tool to help people open up about topics like self injury and depression, and they had asked us to watch and evaluate the film. I got back to the condos and couldn't bring myself to get anywhere near the condo that was viewing the film. My heart was too broken already, so I headed back with Ashton and Ethan to work on some mind-numbing things until the movie was over, then Chad and I were gonna plan bible study.  

After the movie let out, Chad got a crazy idea. (Sidenote- Chad, Blake, Kayleigh, and I have passes to the parks, which was really cool because we got to go see the students work on several occasions). Here is the dialogue that led to one of the most powerful nights on project for me.

Chad: Hey, do you want to go to Magic Kingdom?
Kayleigh: Umm, its raining.
Chad: I know.
Kay: What time does it close?
Chad: 11
Kay: Thats in 90 minutes
Chad: I know
Kay: That would be dumb.
Chad: I know.
Kay: Well, okay. I will call Blake.


Kay: Hey, do you want to go to Magic Kingdom with me and Chad?
Blake: Umm, its raining.
Kay: I know.
Blake: What time does it close?
Kay: 11
Blake: Thats in 90 minutes
Kay: I know
Blake: That would be dumb.
Kay: I know.
Blake: Fine. Did you call Kelly yet?


Blake: Hey, do you want to go to Magic Kingdom with me and Kayleigh and Chad?
Me: Umm, its raining.
Blake: I know.
Me: What time does it close?
Blake: 11
Me: Thats in 90 minutes
Blake: I know
Me: That would be dumb.
Blake: I know.
Me: Let me go grab shoes. I will meet you outside in two minutes.

Somehow, this dumb idea had been accepted by all four of us, and we rode out to the park in silence, nervously laughing as Chad's SUV plowed through massive puddles, each of us remarking on how ridiculous this was. We were listening to Needtobreathe and the song Slumber came on, which is one of my favorites by them. The lyrics promptly got stuck in my head, and over and over again I repeated to myself

Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

There have been multiple times in my life where the Lord has spoken to me through song lyrics. I usually find myself at wit's end, praying for an answer, having sung the very answer to myself three dozen times that day. This was another one of those times. As we pulled into the flooded parking lot, I confessed to my friends what had been weighing me down for three days and asked them to be praying for Becca too. It felt good to no longer carry that burden alone. I started to recognize just how much I needed to wake up and open my eyes in that moment. Still singing Needtobreathe, we sprinted into the park at around 10:20. It was raining steadily and the park was deserted. It looked like we could more easily navigate on canoe than on foot, but we sloshed our way back to Splash Mountain to try and get on. That makes sense right?? We were soaked to the bone and chose to go on a water ride. It had rained so much the splash pools were especially deep, and the full ridiculousness of the night hit us full in the face as we practically drowned when we hit the bottom, the now-torrential downpour blinding us and stinging our faces. As we got off, the lyrics of another Needtobreathe song popped into my head

Even when the rain falls
Even when the floods start rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
 
Even when the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even when the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I will never ever let You down
I won't fall
I won't fall
I won't fall as long as You're around me

As we sprinted to the other side of the park, slipping and sliding through massive puddles, the weight of what I was singing to myself hit me. The water that washed me when I gave my life to Christ is the same water that is redeeming every moment of pain. Every broken heart. Every injustice. It has all been paid for. The Earth will crumble, the storms will come. But I will not fall. I won't understand it all. But it is finished. That promise that Jesus made on the cross 2000 years ago holds true today- every moment of every story is a thread in the tapestry of redemption. Becca's accident was part of God's plan, not a moment where He got distracted and forgot to protect His child. It was in His hands and it WILL bring Him glory (it already has, but that's another story). We don't see the whole picture. And we don't need to be happy with our current snapshot of life. The Lord doesn't necessarily command us to be happy. He commands us to have joy. And joy is the ability to trust the Lord despite our circumstances. Joy is the ability to look past the pain and see the glory of God. And I can choose to have joy.

Right there, in the middle of Magic Kingdom, in the middle of the night, in the middle of a tropical storm, I found peace. With three of my best friends in this world, I found the strength to laugh. It felt foreign, but man it felt good. To truly be joyful and trust God fully for the first time in weeks. Tears streamed down my face (it was raining to hard to notice) as I laughed and praised the Lord for the rain and the beauty of being washed by the water. Half an hour later, as we got back in the car to go home, I felt the urge to play another song, this time by Rush of Fools.

Come to me
You who are weak
Let my strength be yours
Tonight

Come empty cup
I will fill you up
I'll descend on you like a dove
Tonight

Peace, be still
Peace, be still
Please, be still
And know that I am God 
Please know that I am God

That night was crazy and ridiculous and dumb. But it turned out to be a very significant night for all four of us, separately and later communally. (If you want to read this story from another point of view, here's Kayleigh's blog. Scroll about halfway down, past the picture of us on the beach) It was cheesy, and it was weird, and everyone thinks we were crazy for doing it. But hey, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

Becca died three weeks later after first showing signs of recovery. It was still devastating. But in the midst of it, God was good. And He is already using her story for His glory. And I can't be too sad, because every time I think about Becca in heaven it involves her and Jesus and a surfboard, and the thought makes me smile. God is faithful.

Today in church they played this video about the Harms family, the ones from my church who lost their baby girl to Alexander's Disease. Watch it, please. It is worth your time. God is faithful.

I know I said this post was about three songs, but I fibbed. Here is another. Tenth Avenue North just came out with their new album, and this is my favorite track on it. It's like they read my prayer journal this summer and wrote a song about it. It articulates things better than I could

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Chorus:
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Chorus



And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and fill my eyes

Chorus

Yeah I'm worn

Worn, but trusting in Him,
Kelly