The last time I updated was the night before the 59 students of WDWSP12 even arrived in Orlando. Not only have they arrived, but they are now in charge. I have been home for about a week from what was undoubtedly the most insane summer of my life. As always, the transition was incredibly hard coming back. On top of the usual post-project depression, a girl from my sorority, Becca, died from injuries sustained in a hit-and-run accident only two days after project ended. Please keep her family and friends in your prayers. Although it is incredibly difficult, I am rejoicing that she is with Jesus now. In stark, ironic contrast to the mourning I experienced this week, I also attended a wedding of a very dear friend this weekend. Let's just say my emotions have been...unstable.
It has taken me multiple attempts to even write this post. I have had to come to terms with the fact that no matter how long I sit here and ponder, I will never be able to adequately summarize the last two months of my life and give the Lord the glory He deserves. But the longer I take to write this, the less raw it will be. And you, my friends and family, deserve the truth. The truth that this summer humbled me, broke me, terrified me, blessed me, and built me up in ways that my words will never be able to give justice. God moved mountains in my life in 2010 and 2011, but this year He just outdid Himself. And here goes my attempt to invite you into that. Ye be warned, this will probably be long. And it won't be complete.
Although I failed at updating this blog, one thing I did keep updated was my prayer journal. I have tried multiple times in the last five years of my life to keep a journal as part of my daily time with the Lord, but I always felt like a middle school girl writing Dear Diary entries about the mundane activities of the day. I would slack off after a few weeks or even a few days of consistency. This summer, however, a good friend suggested journaling my prayers, and I did just that. I filled up three quarters of a leather journal with my prayers, praises, triumphs and failures on a daily basis starting two days before project going all the way up through today. It has been mind-blowing to look back now and see how God has moved in the course of six short weeks. Prayers I don't even remember praying were answered in big, albeit unexpected ways. I will share with you parts of some of those entries as I attempt to weave for you a tale of God's redemption and power in the midst of my stubborn effort to maintain control of life.
5-22-12
"...I trust that it is Your will for me to go back. My heart is open to what you have to teach me even though I feel like there isn't much I have to learn there"
Well, if that just wasn't me BEGGING for God to take the snowglobe of my life, turn it upside down and give it a few good shakes, I don't know what is. As excited as I was to be back on project, I mistakenly went in to this summer thinking that it would be the easiest yet. With two crazy years under my belt, I feigned humility (probably not very well) as I confidently assured myself that I had it all together this year for the first time. Ha. Ha. Ha.
The last entry for this blog that I managed to write was the night before the students arrived, begging for your prayers as the remnants of a tropical storm threatened to completely destroy my perfectly laid out plans of how to get dozens and dozens of students from the airport to the resort. I was one of two people responsible for getting everyone safely to their new home. God used this occasion to remind me for the first, but certainly not last time, that He is in control, not me. My beautifully laid plans were immediately tossed in the trash the moment I woke up that next day and had half a dozen texts from stressed out students about delayed and cancelled flights. In what became one of the most stressful days of my life, tropical storm Beryl delayed or cancelled nearly every flight and car in and out of Orlando that day. But by the grace of God, the hard work of my staff team (special shout out to my co-coordinator in the effort, Bryan), and probably an entire pot of coffee, everyone made it. Barely anyone made it at the time or by the means originally planned, but by golly they got there!
That was event numero uno in a landslide summer. One verse that has played a monstrous role in my faith is Matthew 7: 24-27
"Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”
Let's face it. I am a control freak. You probably know that. And I also tend to come off as a know-it-all. I like to have the answer. I like to help people and fix their problems. I adore ministry. Nothing brings me greater joy than seeing God work in a person's life. This summer challenged me again and again to consider exactly what the foundation of my house was. Areas of my life that I was sure were founded in the rock began to ebb away as the waves of life relentlessly crashed upon me. For so long in school I was known as the "smart one" or the nerd, so a lot of my identity, where I find my own worth, is wrapped up in my ability to determine and deliver the correct answer. So many times this summer I was forced to face the fact that I was completely clueless. For the first time in my life, there were several situations where I depended upon the Holy Spirit for everything. Don't get me wrong, the Spirit has moved through me (or in spite of me) many many times before. I do my best to yield to Him in every situation. But I remember one night in specific, sitting on the curb in the parking lot of our condo complex.
6/7/12
"..Thank you for showing up tonight Lord. You always do, but thank you for filling me with the right words when I had no clue. Thank you for speaking through me when I was powerless to do so... I acknowledge that You are in control, not me."
I remember praying desperately for something, anything to say. I had been rendered utterly speechless while walking through something difficult with a student. I remember praying "Lord, I got nothing. You NEED to show up now." And He did. A speaker we had at the beginning of the summer said "Sometimes the Holy Spirit speaks best when we shut our own mouths," and this was a clear example of one of those times. In what was probably the first time I consciously admitted that I had absolutely no idea what to say, I found myself reciting scripture I didn't know that I knew. I declared God's truth regarding things that I struggle to believe myself, and I BELIEVED what I was saying 100%. This began a cycle of relying more and more on God, His Word, and His people instead of my own thoughts and knowledge.
A huge part of this shift came as a result of the team that I was a part of this year. I know I will never find the right words to describe what I experienced this summer. One of the women I worked alongside said that the only word she could think of to describe it is "Holy." For six weeks I was able to live in a world I have only caught glimpses of up until this point. What I experienced was a mixture of the Church described in Acts 2, the Body described in 1 Corinthians 12, the unity in Ephesians 4, and the corporate, heavenly worship described in parts of Revelation. Specifically, our intern team (all ELEVEN of us!) bonded in a way I will never forget. We had a ton of fun, laughed a lot, planned bible studies together, shared stories of our lives together, dreamed (and schemed) together, cooked and ate together, and even got to play in the parks together.
But what I will never forget were the ways we supported each other in our mess, prayed through tears as we walked through hard things, failed each other and grew even closer as we humbly asked for grace, broke down barriers, went to bat for each other, and protected one another at personal risk. We fought with each other sometimes, but we fought for each other all the time. God worked through eleven completely broken people and managed to weave a tapestry of His love, redemption, and grace. We relied upon each other, but more importantly, we forced each other to rely completely on God first and foremost. Hours upon hours were spent praying with and for one another. Sleep was lost and the details of life were tossed aside in the light of more important matters. We had our closets opened, our skeletons exposed, and our dirty laundry thrust into the open. We all had chances to run. And instead we pushed deeper into the mess and forced each other to see what the Lord has done, is doing, and will do. We spoke truth into each others lives when the lies were playing too loud. We found peace and power in God's word while huddled under a blanket at 3AM when life was too scary to deal with it alone. His work is not complete, and it won't be until we reach Heaven, but specifically because of each of the ten interns I worked with this summer, I am several steps closer to healing. I have had so many glimpses of this on past summer projects, but never have I experienced it in this magnitude.
So there is a taste of the last two months. I am going to write several more entries about more specific stories and happenings- discipling four amazing women, leading women's time, bible study, and things God has revealed to me regarding my future. But for now, I think this is enough.
I get it now. I have "gotten it" in pieces before. But in a breathtakingly holy summer, the Lord has shown me what true biblical community is supposed to look like. I see it now.
And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm, and real, and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once, everything looks different
Now that I see you
-I See the Light (from Disney's Tangled)
"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work."
Ephesians 4:15-16
Kelly
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